Love, Mommy

it's amazing

isn't it?
yesterday
(or was it the day before?
I guess it doesn't matter that much)
I was laying on our bed
Jesse playing his game
(but then again, when is he NOT?)
and Baby hurting my growing abdomen

I massaged
hoping to ease the pain
when it hit me

there was resistance
like abs
but I was never one built for those
it amazed me
when I began to feel
the very home living inside of me

it never seemed so real
so alive
until a little resistance was shown
then it hit me

it wasn't just a few months
of no periods
odd cravings
and an insatiable appetite
this is my whole life
all wrapped up
in a shining
growing
living
uterus
that every woman is gifted with

but I was the one with the child

so what to do now?
my brother would not see me give up my life
my lover will not give up the child
my mother is impassive, but tries to be supporting
and my friends come from both sides of the spectrum

and then there's the Mother
a young
naive
uncertain
frightened

Mother

I want the best for my child
little though he is
and I'm scared to death that I might not be able to give him that
is there even the smallest chance that I'm depriving him of a future he could have?

I would rather kill myself than let that happen

but to be separated from my child
that thought even makes me feel like I'm already committing suicide

my little Morgana
my little James

I love you now
more than I ever have before
since the day I knew you were changing my life
please just understand why I do the things I do
it's only because
I love you

Love, Mommy