Be Brave

I've had this post on draft for over a week now. Knowing the story that I want to tell, but not quite sure how to spell it out and get it on paper, so to speak. Over the course of the last four years, there have been so many changes in my life. Some good, some hard, some amazing, and quite a few excruciating changes.

When I first saw those two lines come up on the pregnancy test that my now husband and I both consider our miracle, I was amazed. Excited. I had no words to describe how floored I was to know that the unlikely had happened. So, despite the unplanned craziness of it all, I started dreaming.

Five Weeks

Seven Weeks

I made a baby registry. I decided that I wanted to do the weekly photo update thingy that I never really did with my first daughter. I started planning a maternity shoot, another thing I had wanted to do with my daughter but had never been able to afford. And I started dreaming of elephants. Which struck me as funny, because the symbolism of elephants had always been something that had spoken to me over the years. But still, elephants gave me inspiration for our little Tembo. 

We got one ultrasound of her. One confirmation that I've been able to keep. One single moment when her heart was fluttering on that screen, and his hand was in mine, and I could see the apprehension on his face, but he still smiled at me and wrapped my hand in his as I teared up, looking at what was my little miracle, what I considered my little promise of a new start. 

I know that at least 10% of all women experience miscarriages. And those that have chronic endocrine issues, like my diabetes, are at a higher risk, particularly with unplanned pregnancies. But, it still didn't make it any easier when we went in for the nine week checkup. 

Nine. I've actually come to dread that number. And no one really talks about the triggers that you face as a loss, not in specific terms, at least. I haven't even told my husband this, but I've come to dread the ninth week of pregnancy. Nine. Nein. No. After our last two losses, and getting the news at nine weeks, it's become a big, huge "no, no, no, no, No, NO, NONONONONONO!!" build up in my head. 

I never thought that trying to plan a pregnancy, planning for that journey together, would be this hard.....

so just breath with me through this, i'm trying to be brave, i promise.