Float Like a Cannonball
So, last night was our cast party for the production. While some of the cast was sitting around a campfire, enjoying the acoustic talents of one of the cast members, he started playing "Cannonball" by Damien Rice. And it made me think. About a lot of things. To the point that I needed to journal about everything that I've been feeling for the past few weeks. So when I got home, I watched some TV with Jesse, and as he started to pass out I grabbed my journal and a pen.
And I vented. And ranted. In pen. I let some of the shit that I've been feeling for the past month out on paper. It's what I do. I have a hard time talking to people, so most of the time I write down everything I'm feeling. It's just my way of letting it all out rather than holding it in, and I haven't done that for months. I think that may have been one of my major problems. When I can't think of what else to write, I mark my place with my pen.
This morning, I get up. I'd left my journal on the couch, so I go to grab it. The pen is out, and so is the marker. I can't find Jesse anywhere. I call him, and it goes straight to voicemail. When he walks into the house, he's talking to his dad. As soon as he hangs up, he looks at me and says "We need to talk."
I'm a single mom now. I need to type up our parenting plan, and Jesse's moving back with his mom. I know that I'll get the rest of this month to find a place to live, because I can't afford the apartment on my own. I talked to Natalie, and she's still got a room to rent for $200 a month. So now all I need to do is find a job before spring break.
I knew this was coming, sooner or later. I've been bracing for the bottom to drop out for months now. The question I keep asking myself is this: Did it happen because I was preparing for it, or did it happen because I was pushing the bottom out? I guess I'll have to figure that out in time.
Right now, all I feel is this sinking sensation, but I'm not regretting anything. I'm floating. Like a cannonball.
And I vented. And ranted. In pen. I let some of the shit that I've been feeling for the past month out on paper. It's what I do. I have a hard time talking to people, so most of the time I write down everything I'm feeling. It's just my way of letting it all out rather than holding it in, and I haven't done that for months. I think that may have been one of my major problems. When I can't think of what else to write, I mark my place with my pen.
This morning, I get up. I'd left my journal on the couch, so I go to grab it. The pen is out, and so is the marker. I can't find Jesse anywhere. I call him, and it goes straight to voicemail. When he walks into the house, he's talking to his dad. As soon as he hangs up, he looks at me and says "We need to talk."
I'm a single mom now. I need to type up our parenting plan, and Jesse's moving back with his mom. I know that I'll get the rest of this month to find a place to live, because I can't afford the apartment on my own. I talked to Natalie, and she's still got a room to rent for $200 a month. So now all I need to do is find a job before spring break.
I knew this was coming, sooner or later. I've been bracing for the bottom to drop out for months now. The question I keep asking myself is this: Did it happen because I was preparing for it, or did it happen because I was pushing the bottom out? I guess I'll have to figure that out in time.
Right now, all I feel is this sinking sensation, but I'm not regretting anything. I'm floating. Like a cannonball.
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