Three Ring Circus
I've been going steadily to church most of my life, with the exception of the three years I was with Jesse. But even then I always felt this drawing to that spiritual side. Well, in April I got a call from my older brother, Steven. And at first I ignored the call because he was using a friend's phone and I didn't recognize the number. Well, not one minute later I get another call from the same number. This time I picked up.
Steven told me that God has called me to be an evangelist to the multitudes, and that through my life and my daughter's life many will come to know Christ. I wasn't sure what to make of what Steven was telling me. I was quiet, couldn't even think of what to say. Steven was quiet fora bit and then told me that God understood the doubt that I was dealing with, that the misery I saw every day was not God's work but was a part of His plan for me, that I was to be the light in the darkness.
It all seemed so simple when I wasn't going to church. I was able to read my Bible. I threw myself at the mercy of my Savior. I sinned, yes, and I still do, but it felt so much more simplistic to be forgiven back then. But now...it feels like I'm a part of a three ring circus and I can't tell which act I'm supposed to be a part of. And no matter which one I'm a part of I keep messing up, and when the ring master sees my mistakes it's brought to the focus of the entire audience and dissected piece by piece. And then everyone knows I'm not worthy to be a part of the show. So rather than have my performance nit picked, I step out of the spotlight and out of the limelight and out of the show entirely.
Putting on a show bothers me. The hypocrisy of so many so-called "Christians" bothers me. I would rather be a sinner and openly admit all my short comings to the world than have an attitude of superiority because I'm simply "forgiven." Grace is freely given, but just because we accept it once doesn't mean we're set for eterrnity. It has to be a life change, to turn our lives around and live completely differently than we are.
Its starting out as a clown in the circus and beginning training to be a ribbon dancer, or train tigers, or walk the high wire. You don't continue to be a clown, but devote your whole life to training for your new act.
Steven told me that God has called me to be an evangelist to the multitudes, and that through my life and my daughter's life many will come to know Christ. I wasn't sure what to make of what Steven was telling me. I was quiet, couldn't even think of what to say. Steven was quiet fora bit and then told me that God understood the doubt that I was dealing with, that the misery I saw every day was not God's work but was a part of His plan for me, that I was to be the light in the darkness.
It all seemed so simple when I wasn't going to church. I was able to read my Bible. I threw myself at the mercy of my Savior. I sinned, yes, and I still do, but it felt so much more simplistic to be forgiven back then. But now...it feels like I'm a part of a three ring circus and I can't tell which act I'm supposed to be a part of. And no matter which one I'm a part of I keep messing up, and when the ring master sees my mistakes it's brought to the focus of the entire audience and dissected piece by piece. And then everyone knows I'm not worthy to be a part of the show. So rather than have my performance nit picked, I step out of the spotlight and out of the limelight and out of the show entirely.
Putting on a show bothers me. The hypocrisy of so many so-called "Christians" bothers me. I would rather be a sinner and openly admit all my short comings to the world than have an attitude of superiority because I'm simply "forgiven." Grace is freely given, but just because we accept it once doesn't mean we're set for eterrnity. It has to be a life change, to turn our lives around and live completely differently than we are.
Its starting out as a clown in the circus and beginning training to be a ribbon dancer, or train tigers, or walk the high wire. You don't continue to be a clown, but devote your whole life to training for your new act.
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