Now You See Me (but do you really?)
It was probably a bad idea to have a Monster not long after dinner, right when I was putting Morgan down for bed. Because while it was good during my study time, can't really say it was a good idea now that it's WAAAAAYYYYYY past the time that I usually am asleep in bed.
But it's odd, in the least. It's 1:30 in the morning, I'm not able to sleep, and no matter what I do I'm not able to get these thoughts out of my head. You know, the ones that will not quiet down, won't be silenced by the white noise of the fan or the music you want to play to fill the voids, the ones that become the incessant little *pick pick pick* at the edge of your sanity, slowly urging you towards the brink. And please, don't think this is a suicide post. Whether it's a cry for help is something I'm still trying to figure out for myself.
Speaking of that four letter word.
Help.
From a struggling, capricious, hormonal, lachrymose being.
Help.
From a woman that struggles with her own insecurities that are pictured nowhere but her own mind, and yet it is that steel cage that I fear will forever keep me captured.
Change has always brought out my insecurities, even magnified them from an anthill to my own insurmountable K-2, complete with a treacherous descent into madness. And the changes that are coming in the next few weeks are nothing short of insanity in my little world. Between a new job, trying to find adequate and affordable childcare, and my own personal struggles that never seem to go away. it sometimes feels like the weight of a meteorite and came from the heavens and has been ever so gently placed on my chest in an effort to make me realize just how helpless I really am and how much my pride can affect my own capabilities.
And in the middle of all of these struggles, cognizance arises.
Significance. Acceptance. Security.
My stepdad, Brian, has told me more times than I can count that I am significant. I am accepted. And I am secure as long as I have those two things. And hearing those things from an outside source, whether it's my dad or my mom or my boyfriend or friends or even seeing it in the eyes of my daughter......
I hate to say it, but it's easy as fuck to take that stuff for granted. Because at the end of the day, when you are laying beside someone, with thoughts going through your head saying that you should have done X, Y, and Z differently, because look at what you did to your family, and those little voices in the silence that keep telling you that you are never going to do the things in life that you really DREAMED you were made for.......
In the end, these are my companions. And the conversations I have with myself only get longer, and more detailed, and more degrading with the less human interaction I have. It's a vicious circle.
So I reach out. I try to find friends to hang out with, try to find encouraging words, try to find little moments that will outweigh the bad moments that seems to stick so much better to my soul.
Because my real desire? To stop these voices, these demons, from being able to tell me that I'm not a significant part in someone's life, that I'm only here to flit in and out of people's lives, to sometimes make a difference but to never make that everlasting change that will impact the world.
I don't want to just be an oasis in a desert, where people find themselves and will be grateful for the temporary respite. I want to be a river, that flows through the land and will make an impact on entire countries. I want to be seen, and acknowledged, and I want to affect a change so great that there is no doubt that I am a Daughter of the ONE TRUE KING, a Warrior Maiden that will be remembered through history.
There it is. You now know my darkest secret. My pride. My desire. My weakness. Now you see me.
But do you really?
But it's odd, in the least. It's 1:30 in the morning, I'm not able to sleep, and no matter what I do I'm not able to get these thoughts out of my head. You know, the ones that will not quiet down, won't be silenced by the white noise of the fan or the music you want to play to fill the voids, the ones that become the incessant little *pick pick pick* at the edge of your sanity, slowly urging you towards the brink. And please, don't think this is a suicide post. Whether it's a cry for help is something I'm still trying to figure out for myself.
Speaking of that four letter word.
Help.
From a struggling, capricious, hormonal, lachrymose being.
Help.
From a woman that struggles with her own insecurities that are pictured nowhere but her own mind, and yet it is that steel cage that I fear will forever keep me captured.
Change has always brought out my insecurities, even magnified them from an anthill to my own insurmountable K-2, complete with a treacherous descent into madness. And the changes that are coming in the next few weeks are nothing short of insanity in my little world. Between a new job, trying to find adequate and affordable childcare, and my own personal struggles that never seem to go away. it sometimes feels like the weight of a meteorite and came from the heavens and has been ever so gently placed on my chest in an effort to make me realize just how helpless I really am and how much my pride can affect my own capabilities.
And in the middle of all of these struggles, cognizance arises.
Significance. Acceptance. Security.
My stepdad, Brian, has told me more times than I can count that I am significant. I am accepted. And I am secure as long as I have those two things. And hearing those things from an outside source, whether it's my dad or my mom or my boyfriend or friends or even seeing it in the eyes of my daughter......
I hate to say it, but it's easy as fuck to take that stuff for granted. Because at the end of the day, when you are laying beside someone, with thoughts going through your head saying that you should have done X, Y, and Z differently, because look at what you did to your family, and those little voices in the silence that keep telling you that you are never going to do the things in life that you really DREAMED you were made for.......
In the end, these are my companions. And the conversations I have with myself only get longer, and more detailed, and more degrading with the less human interaction I have. It's a vicious circle.
So I reach out. I try to find friends to hang out with, try to find encouraging words, try to find little moments that will outweigh the bad moments that seems to stick so much better to my soul.
Because my real desire? To stop these voices, these demons, from being able to tell me that I'm not a significant part in someone's life, that I'm only here to flit in and out of people's lives, to sometimes make a difference but to never make that everlasting change that will impact the world.
I don't want to just be an oasis in a desert, where people find themselves and will be grateful for the temporary respite. I want to be a river, that flows through the land and will make an impact on entire countries. I want to be seen, and acknowledged, and I want to affect a change so great that there is no doubt that I am a Daughter of the ONE TRUE KING, a Warrior Maiden that will be remembered through history.
There it is. You now know my darkest secret. My pride. My desire. My weakness. Now you see me.
But do you really?
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