Being An Open Book

So prepare yourself, this is going to be a little long, but I've been mulling this over for a while.

Now, I'm aware that there are people that I'm not friends with that check my page. And since July, I have chosen to make the majority of my posts public. Let me explain.

In my most recent relationship, the man I dated chose to have a VERY public profile, with no censor or filter. He claimed it was because he believed in honesty, transparency, and being completely open in his life. It always bothered me a bit, because pictures of his daughter were very public and he refused to even consider blocking people that could be detrimental, refused to hear my perspective on the subject, even though if I didn't block any person as soon as he showed a speck of displeasure I was ridiculed, cut down, and subjected to all forms of mental abuse and control.

After a hiatus, I started posting again, tentatively. Then everything I posted went public, no holds barred, I wanted the world to see everything. At first, it was because I wanted him to see how well I was doing without him. I told myself that it was because I wanted to throw his hypocritical "open book" view in his face. And I think that's what happened.

At the beginning of September, I posted some pictures that I had taken a few weeks after the breakup as a way of celebrating my freedom. Originally, these particular pictures had been intended for his birthday, but when he found out about them he forbade me from doing the shoot. When I shared the pictures, I also shared some very private, very terrifying moments from our relationship. Because if he really wanted to be an open book to the world, I should be as well.

I'll be damned if that boy didn't finally figure out where the "block" button was.

So here is where I wanted to get to. A majority of the things that I post nowadays ARE public, and I'm okay with that. I feel like I have a pretty good handle on understanding the difference between what should be posted publicly and what should remain private. Granted, a minuscule percentage of that is so that should he ever feel the need to check up on my current standings (which is highly doubtful, honestly, and I'm okay with that) then he can see exactly the type of woman that he helped me to become. Because he did help, and that is something that I never want to discount. 

But I don't want to have my life viewed through a microscope, to be viewed and judged and have assumptions made. Frankly, I could care less what the majority of people want to say about my life and how I'm living it. Those that I listen to are close enough to me, with a deep enough relationship that they know who they are and they know their views are valued by me. I don't keep things public for the validation, or the popularity, or even on the off chance that my past boyfriends will check up and actually take the time to read this whole thing (because I highly doubt he ever would). 

For me, being transparent means being the same person in the public eye and in my private life. For me, being transparent means admitting to my faults, to my mistakes, and owning them, but in the right arena. Being honest means being forthright, upfront, a woman of strength that never has to worry about whether her perspective and opinion may lead to an argument that could result in physical violence. Being an open book requires so much more than simply keeping EVERYONE uptodate on the everyday happenings in your life, and I don't think he even has that figured out.

I wish he did. I sincerely hope that someday he does.