A Burden of Change
It's always a little crazy, at least to me, just how much support I get from people that I wouldn't normally expect it from. And from people that just absolutely astound me. I've never been as secure in myself as I know in my head that I should be, and at times it can be a constant struggle to find the positivity in a time when all I really want to do is curl up under my blankets and cry myself to sleep because life can be so overwhelming.
Today was one of those days. It didn't start out so well, with a sick child and my own body fighting against me (probably in retaliation to the delicious enchiladas I had with some friends last night), and not being able to make it into work with my priorities being placed on myself and my child. Add on top of that financial stress, work stress, and life stress. I normally would like to say that i can handle the pressure pretty well, but today was just a bit much for my own spirit. I wanted to give in. To thrown in the towel. To quit my job, sell all my stuff, and leave and go adventuring to forget all the shit that I've been struggling with for the last few months.
I knew I had to get outside of my own head, because it was getting just a little too noisy in there. So, as a distraction, I started scrolling through Facebook until I came across this picture a friend had shared:
Over the last few years, I have had multiple people tell me that I have a heart that cares to much for people, that I have a spirit that will end up broken because I care too much, I love to fiercely, and I give every ounce of who I am without thinking about the consequences. That kind of vulnerability is something that is easy for me to have. Because giving my love outward has never been an issue. Looking at who deserves love OUTSIDE of myself has never been a struggle. For me, my kryptonite has always been that internal self love. That acceptance of who I am, warts and all. Seeing and acknowledging the wonderful, beautiful, glorious creature that I am.
So in the midst of my self-pity, my despair, I knew I had to get outside of my own head today. I came across the picture, and knew immediately that I needed to talk to my best friend, face to face. So out came my phone, out went the message, and ten minutes later I was sitting cross legged on my couch, pouring my heart out as tears streamed down my face.
And he listened. Patiently. Raptly. Without interruption until I was done pouring out all my fears, my insecurities that had been bottled up inside my head, and my worries about the coming months. And he listened, though he knew that my own insecurities tell me on a daily basis that if I should share these fears with anyone, I start to doubt my own strength. He listened, despite the fact that he knew I worry that tears and emotions will negate my own validity. And after he was done listening, after he had allowed me time to spew all the toxic poison that had been clouding my judgement and burdening my soul, he wrapped his arms around me and told me everything that my logical brain had been telling me but my emotional brain had refused to listen to.
He assuaged my fear about finances, reassured me that the money I needed will come through after it is finished pending. He confirmed my own strength, told me time and time again about the moments that lesser people would be able to handle. He stopped my own arguments with reason and provided evidence that my emotions could not combat. But more than all that, he shared his strength with me, and that is something that I will be forever thankful for.
"I'm glad I can help you, even by telling you what you already know."
His words, right on the head. And what amazes me is that he knew exactly what was going through my head, was able to rephrase it, and with that single sentence he forced me to look at my own self-doubt and insecurities.
Change is never an easy thing to deal with. And the last few months in my life have brought about more change that I honestly wish I didn't have to deal with. But it's a time of strengthening, of digging deep. And at times you have to remember that you can't do it all on your own. You need that burden to be shared. And it's okay to reach out to those around you, because in the end it'll bring those soul connections that will last for eternity.
Today was one of those days. It didn't start out so well, with a sick child and my own body fighting against me (probably in retaliation to the delicious enchiladas I had with some friends last night), and not being able to make it into work with my priorities being placed on myself and my child. Add on top of that financial stress, work stress, and life stress. I normally would like to say that i can handle the pressure pretty well, but today was just a bit much for my own spirit. I wanted to give in. To thrown in the towel. To quit my job, sell all my stuff, and leave and go adventuring to forget all the shit that I've been struggling with for the last few months.
I knew I had to get outside of my own head, because it was getting just a little too noisy in there. So, as a distraction, I started scrolling through Facebook until I came across this picture a friend had shared:
Over the last few years, I have had multiple people tell me that I have a heart that cares to much for people, that I have a spirit that will end up broken because I care too much, I love to fiercely, and I give every ounce of who I am without thinking about the consequences. That kind of vulnerability is something that is easy for me to have. Because giving my love outward has never been an issue. Looking at who deserves love OUTSIDE of myself has never been a struggle. For me, my kryptonite has always been that internal self love. That acceptance of who I am, warts and all. Seeing and acknowledging the wonderful, beautiful, glorious creature that I am.
So in the midst of my self-pity, my despair, I knew I had to get outside of my own head today. I came across the picture, and knew immediately that I needed to talk to my best friend, face to face. So out came my phone, out went the message, and ten minutes later I was sitting cross legged on my couch, pouring my heart out as tears streamed down my face.
And he listened. Patiently. Raptly. Without interruption until I was done pouring out all my fears, my insecurities that had been bottled up inside my head, and my worries about the coming months. And he listened, though he knew that my own insecurities tell me on a daily basis that if I should share these fears with anyone, I start to doubt my own strength. He listened, despite the fact that he knew I worry that tears and emotions will negate my own validity. And after he was done listening, after he had allowed me time to spew all the toxic poison that had been clouding my judgement and burdening my soul, he wrapped his arms around me and told me everything that my logical brain had been telling me but my emotional brain had refused to listen to.
He assuaged my fear about finances, reassured me that the money I needed will come through after it is finished pending. He confirmed my own strength, told me time and time again about the moments that lesser people would be able to handle. He stopped my own arguments with reason and provided evidence that my emotions could not combat. But more than all that, he shared his strength with me, and that is something that I will be forever thankful for.
"I'm glad I can help you, even by telling you what you already know."
His words, right on the head. And what amazes me is that he knew exactly what was going through my head, was able to rephrase it, and with that single sentence he forced me to look at my own self-doubt and insecurities.
Change is never an easy thing to deal with. And the last few months in my life have brought about more change that I honestly wish I didn't have to deal with. But it's a time of strengthening, of digging deep. And at times you have to remember that you can't do it all on your own. You need that burden to be shared. And it's okay to reach out to those around you, because in the end it'll bring those soul connections that will last for eternity.
Comments
Post a Comment