An Attitude of Gratitude

Gratitude (noun): the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.

An attitude of gratitude doesn't always cover things like returning a kindness. Sometimes gratitude can be a support to remind you that there are beautiful things that can be found in the middle of the biggest confrontations and conflicts, and sometimes gratitude is armor that can protect you from the bitterness that can come from rivalries and negative interactions. Lately, it's been a little bit of a challenge for me to remember that. Thankfully, I've got a pretty incredible housemate that REALLY encourages me and my daughter to find ten things we are grateful for every time we feel angry or down or upset over something. For my daughter, its it's usually chores or eating food that she doesn't really want. For me, its it's been a lot of finding things I'm grateful for about people that I get frustrated with.

Which, over these last couple of weeks, has really made me look back on a few of the more impactful confrontations and how gratitude really protected my ability to build relationships with some of those people, particularly my daughter's stepmother, Mystica, and a woman that I got to know through my ex, Irissa.

I first met Mystica shortly after I moved back to Spokane in 2013, and for the most part I ignored her during the first year. I was stuck in a damaging mindset that I knew what was best for my child and NO ONE could raise her as well as I could, her father included. This eventually led to me getting into a few heated confrontations with him through text, and this is where my story with Mystica truly began. I was forcing an argument about how my daughter's dad wasn't sticking to a certain provision of the parenting plan, attempting to lay groundwork for a contempt hearing. He got so frustrated that he stopped talking to me, which is when Mystica stepped in and try to calm the waters. I lashed out, told her she had no idea what she was talking about, and she respectfully disagreed with me and tried to remind me that my daughter's dad was doing the very best that he could with the current situation. In a fit, I pulled out my parenting plan, took a picture of the provision I was talking about, and as soon as I sent it to her I realized that she was, in fact, correct, and I was the one in the wrong.

Four months later, I ended up thanking her for her patience and being so optimistic when I was so confrontational. And in the last six months, my relationship with Mystica and my daughter's father has grown exponentially, to the benefit of us all and the little one that we are raising together.er. I firmly believe that we would not have the relationship we currently do if Mystica hadn’t stuck to her guns and become the advocate for my daughter’s father. And for that, I’m so very thankful.

In 2015, during my previous relationship, I was given the opportunity to coparent with an incredible woman, Irissa. And in the beginning, our relationship was NOT cohesive. She was defensive, and I had listened when I was told that she was controlling and manipulative and did not allow anyone to have any kind of a say in how she raised her daughter. This turned out to be grossly untrue. And for the first six months, tensions arose. And we had our confrontations. And from those confrontations, there were times when my ex would go after her and continue to paint her in the worst light imaginable.  

And she still stood strong, and did what she felt was in the best interest of her child.

For every action, there is a consequence, and it can be either a negative or positive consequence. And I feel it takes far too much energy that could be used for other things to focus on the negatives in a situation. So with Irissa, even in the midst of conflict, I chose to focus on the fact that she was a strong mother to her daughter, and that strength can move mountains when applied in the proper direction. With Mystica, I chose to focus on the strength of character and the incredible woman she would help me raise. With other conflicts, I choose to not focus on the negatives (like when I’m being called an abusive woman or a conniving psycho) and look at the characteristics that might drive those negatives (a protective parent that just wants the best for their kids, a love that could move the world if it’s able to combine with others, an observant adult that doesn’t want to miss anything that could be important in protecting children). These are irreplaceable characteristics. These are things that should be nurtured, and encouraged, and uplifted. And to be grateful for the journey that can bring strength and longevity.

“In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.”

-I Thessalonians 5:18