Quarantine Quandries
A couple days ago, Sean suggested that I get back into writing while we're all pretty locked down. He said I should take a certain amount of time out of each day just to journal, write a short story, look at any kind of prompt, but get back into the habit of writing again. And, to be fair, it has been a really long time since I've written just about anything. There's still a draft sitting on here that I started on January 14th, and my last post was on January 10th, so it's fair to say that it's been a few months.
This whole mess is just....gross. We started the year on such a high note, under a covering of crystal lights draped over branches, with our future in front of us, and now....I know there will be an end to this whole insanity, and I know it will....eventually...come, and we'll stand at the end of this chapter, take a deep breath, and he'll reach his hand out for mine, and we'll take that step, together. But right now, it's hard for me to keep it all together. We had planned to be spending this month getting ready for our reception with family. We had planned on pulling together some kind of honeymoon, even if it was just a short one where we spent a weekend in Seattle.
Letting go of all that is probably the hardest thing about all of this. I've always tried to look to the future when I'm struggling, sinking, trying to keep my head above water. It's usually been enough in the past to keep me grounded, even if I didn't feel like I was going to survive the day.
But right now, the future just doesn't look like anything. It's almost like a gaping hole in the middle of the room where I try to look down, but all there is is a black circle swallowing up everything all around me. The plans we made for 2020, the dreams we had laid out, the steps we had focused on to achieve those dreams, everything. In March, I had known there was going to be a pause put on all of those things, that there might have been a few steps back we would have had to take just to survive in the meantime, but after the 13th, I knew it was going to be more than just a pause and a ten second rewind of the episode. I saw the whole episode being put on pause, then losing connection to the internet indefinitely, only to have the whole show be restarted from the very beginning when the internet comes back on.
Everything was falling, being sucked in, disappearing, into that black void.
Everything, except for him. He's still here, beside me, and is having an easier time finding the good things to hold onto than I am. Or at least, that's how it seems to me. So I just reach out and grab onto him when I feel myself slipping. And while that doesn't bring back all the shit that's already been sucked into that hole, it's enough to keep me grounded on this plane.
This whole mess is just....gross. We started the year on such a high note, under a covering of crystal lights draped over branches, with our future in front of us, and now....I know there will be an end to this whole insanity, and I know it will....eventually...come, and we'll stand at the end of this chapter, take a deep breath, and he'll reach his hand out for mine, and we'll take that step, together. But right now, it's hard for me to keep it all together. We had planned to be spending this month getting ready for our reception with family. We had planned on pulling together some kind of honeymoon, even if it was just a short one where we spent a weekend in Seattle.
Letting go of all that is probably the hardest thing about all of this. I've always tried to look to the future when I'm struggling, sinking, trying to keep my head above water. It's usually been enough in the past to keep me grounded, even if I didn't feel like I was going to survive the day.
But right now, the future just doesn't look like anything. It's almost like a gaping hole in the middle of the room where I try to look down, but all there is is a black circle swallowing up everything all around me. The plans we made for 2020, the dreams we had laid out, the steps we had focused on to achieve those dreams, everything. In March, I had known there was going to be a pause put on all of those things, that there might have been a few steps back we would have had to take just to survive in the meantime, but after the 13th, I knew it was going to be more than just a pause and a ten second rewind of the episode. I saw the whole episode being put on pause, then losing connection to the internet indefinitely, only to have the whole show be restarted from the very beginning when the internet comes back on.
Everything was falling, being sucked in, disappearing, into that black void.
Everything, except for him. He's still here, beside me, and is having an easier time finding the good things to hold onto than I am. Or at least, that's how it seems to me. So I just reach out and grab onto him when I feel myself slipping. And while that doesn't bring back all the shit that's already been sucked into that hole, it's enough to keep me grounded on this plane.
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