Taking the Cue

Last week, I woke up to the sound of three kids squealing joyfully in our home. And barely awake, I listened, making sure that the sounds I was hearing wouldn't head into chaos, as it so often happens when supervision is minimal. But between the different age groups (we've got a toddler, a child, and a VERY early pre-teen in our household), there was excitement, joy, and laughter during those moments.

Within a few minutes, our eldest ran into our room, followed closely by the younger children. When they all saw I was awake, the exuberance bubbled over as each child vied for my attention to share the news about their newest collaboration.

Blankets. Lots of blankets. Pillows, stuffed animals, dining room chairs, even the broom. All three of our kids had been working since the early morning hours to create a world of excitement, complete with their own adventures and brand new blankets.

Later on that same day, I came across a post from a stepmom group on Facebook:

It's been a little over three years since I've started supporting my husband in his co-parenting journey, and it always strikes me how many similarities there are in stories that stepmother share about their journeys co-parenting. And our current situation really made me miss my previous experiences with women of men that I had dated, and even my own daughter's previous stepmother, who I considered a very close friend for many years.

And going through the comments on this post, I came to a realization. In our society, every stepparent takes cues from their biological counterpart. Stepmothers take cues from biological mothers on what kind of relationship they will have. Stepfathers take cues from biological fathers on what kind of relationship they will have. It is these relationships that directly impact the children in any given blended family, and I can speak to this from direct personal experience.

My biological father was very abusive towards us kids and to my mother in my childhood home. As soon as she filed for a protection order and a petition for divorce, the abuse changed tactics. Instead of yelling and screaming and breaking things, it turned to parental alienation. 

"Your mother is a sinner, an adulteress. She's breaking God's law, and she's going to drag you all along with her."

And that's just the beginning. Thankfully, in 2006, my stepfather became a part of the family and began looking for ways to help ease the communication and the tense situations that were not just limited to our mother anymore. He took the cue of protector and mediator, and even when all the children were grown and adults, it still remains. I haven't spoken with my biological father in over two years at this point due to the burn out from psychological and emotional abuse, but my mother and stepfather (who has very much became my dad and the grandfather to my children) has continued to encourage me to forgive, to release the negativity, and to reach out to my biological father.

That is still a journey in itself.

In 2013, my daughter's dad began dating a woman, two years after our breakup, and I was taken back to my mother, who always talked about uplifting and supporting new people coming into a child's life to protect against the same kind of toxicity that I was raised in. For five years, I supported. That woman became one of my closest friends. We had family dinner nights with all the parents involved in my daughter's upbringing. We took my daughter out for Mama/Daughter dates with cheeseburgers, pedicures, and goofy pictures. We all attended school events, parent teacher conferences, traded off getting our daughter to any appointment she needed. I still have a very vivid recollection of a day where I was woken up by a phone call from my daughter's stepmom telling me they were headed to the ER because my daughter fainted while getting ready for school, and within an hour her dad, her stepmom, and I were all in the hospital with her, supporting and comforting our daughter and each other. 

In 2018, a month before their five year anniversary, the breakup happened. And the one downfall of getting a friend in a stepmother is that if it ever does end, it doesn't just impact the parent who was in a relationship with the stepparent and the child, it impacts everyone. For me, it still hurts. My heart still aches for the friend that I lost, and my daughter still asks to see her stepmother.

In the five years she was involved, I did everything in my power to include her, to treat her as the member of the family that she was, and she took my cues and for a time, our daughter thrived in a safe and secure environment.

During that time, a dream was born for me. A dream that, I fear, will now never come to pass. 

Since before I found out about my pregnancy with my eldest daughter, I dreamed about getting married. I mean, what girl wouldn't? And with every detail that is planned out, one that began sticking with me in 2013 (when I was in a relationship with a man who was father to twins) was the photos that would be taken on the wedding day. 

In my family, it was tradition to include family photos during any big event. So I dreamed about a photo that would not just include myself and my husband, but also my daughter, her father, my daughter's stepmother (if such a woman was involved at the time), my husband's children, their mother, and any partner that such a woman would have had. I dreamed of showing our children that such a beautiful thing like a blended family is truly possible.

Indeed, in my previous relationships before my husband, it had seemed very likely. I was welcomed by biological mothers after getting through the initial conflict and learning stages. We supported each other, communicated openly and honestly. And after my last relationship, out of the three things I consider myself thankful for receiving, one of them was the friendship that came from a stepdaughter's mother.

Alas, some dreams need to be let go of. And that's just me, the stepmom, taking the cue from the bio mom.

It's hard to give into my skeptical Slytherin side when my Puff side, for so many years, has tempted me with: "Just be kind. Keep going for it. It might make a difference one day." Only to have hopes dashed again, and again, and again. Thankfully, my dear husband is now taking on that Hufflepuff quality, pointing out to me every seemingly small kindness.

"She gave us these keto brownies because she knows it won't aggravate your diabetes."

"She didn't get made when you talked on the phone with the kids."

"[Bonus daughter] is giving you hugs at drop off! She's obviously feeling a lot more secure."

Good lord, I love him so much!! Even when my skepticism is blatant, he'll bring up the positives, and I love that he's trying to bring up different cues.

So, I just sit back, sigh a little, and hope that, someday, those cues will come from the other side of the divide. Unlikely, but still, most miracles come from impossible places.