In the Midst of the Storm

This is a post that I have been working on, slowly, over the last few months, waiting to see if it would be with joy or sorrow when I finally did share it. 

That time has arrived.

9/19/2020

So, according to my calendar, I'm still six days away from my period starting. Which, coincidentally, matches up with my anniversary weekend with this incredible man:

Video chatting in July

But, this last week, it's been....interesting, to say the least. Since April, my hormones and how my body has been reacting in a way that has always been VERY similiar to the first semester of pregnancy, particularly in terms of physicality, emotionally, all those fun things. If you've ever been pregnant before, I'm sure you can understand. The exhaustion, the swelling boobs, the headaches (didn't experience those until my second pregnancy, actually). 

Here's why I'm bringing all of this up. 

I just took the test. Twenty-four days after my period ended. Supposedly one week after I finished ovulating (though the freaking test strips I was using must have been faulty, or my cycle must've started getting it's shit figured out after running on 33-35 day cycles since June), but at this point, I don't even know anymore. My body's just screwed, right? Two miscarriages in three years can do that to you, plus the different crap I've been trying to deal with over the last two years. 

Anyways, for my own curiosity and just to get it out of the way, here are my results, as of September 19, 2020. (No, I'm not going to post this just yet. My husband doesn't even know.)

 I still don't even know what to do with this yet. I peaked at the test with time still left on the timer, and lo and behold, two pink lines. I don't know whether to be freaked out or terrified or excited or what. But I do know I'm nervous to tell Sean. 

Which will probably make for one memorable anniversary dinner.

***

9/23/2020

Man, I swear, the symptoms just.....won't let me make my plans!!! 

So Sean found out last night. After I kept throwing up, and gagging, and he started freaking out (because guess what are now symptoms of Covid-19?). Well, I gave him the positive pregnancy test. 

All my potential plans, thrown right out the window!! 

***

10/15/2020

Two little arm nubs. Two little leg buds. One hundred and fifty-seven beats per minute. And we are eight weeks tomorrow.

I swear, I can see a little monkey face in the dark spaces, but that might just be me being super hopeful at this point. Sean is still VERY nervous, and apprehensive (which is understandable, given our history), but at this point, with all the symptoms (oh my goodness, THE SYMPTOMS!!) I'm dealing with, this pregnancy is absolutely unlike ANY other pregnancy I've ever had.

I'm hopeful. I'm really hopeful!!

***

11/18/2020

We have three shirts waiting to be wrapped. One letterboard awaiting a final ultrasound. One appointment that we leave for in an hour and fifteen minutes. One VERY bloated pregnant wife (I thought it was my uterus growing, but at this point I can't tell anymore), and one husband who's sympathy symptoms are running about as rampant as my own pregnancy symptoms. (I adore him so much!!)

Our kids get the news next week, right before Thanksgiving. I hope they are as excited as I think they are going to be.

Last week, I was able to hear our baby's heartbeat, for a moment, while trying to hear past my own much slower pulse. And last night, Sean, for the first time, said that after the ultrasound today he'd feel a lot better about getting more excited. Which is understandable, especially since he couldn't hear babe's heartbeat because it was a little chaotic.

I'm so ready. I'm so excited. I can't wait to actually be able to share these updates and my excitement with the world for you, little one!!

***

11/19/2020

He smiled. My stoic, apprehensive, cautious, sweet husband smiled. Watching our baby on the monitor stretch out, clasp his little hands, curl up, turn to face us, swallow. It wasn't just a shadowy shape in my uterus that resembled a chimp face anymore. He was moving, living, his heart beat steady, his brain hemispheres whole, his spine bending an flexing with every movement. It was almost hard to get a picture of his face amongst all the acrobatics, but we got one that should work to show the kids tomorrow.

And yes, I realize that I am already gendering my child, at thirteen weeks, which is typically too early to have a definitive distinction, but I'm speaking that hope over our child. We really would love another son, and our kids have all said that they would like a little brother (to even out our teams for Battle of the Sexes). Joking about the game part, but we would love an even distribution. And our kids have said so, too. 

***

11/23/2020

And, with much anticipation, our whole family now knows.

Let the adventure begin!!