Beautiful Mess
Everyone expects their life to mean something, to be bigger than what we started out to be. To be bigger than ourselves. We almost never it to get as messy as it usually does. But that's the whole beauty of it all, isn't it? Something unexpected happens, and we've got a choice to make. We can either climb that mountain again and view the mess from the top, knowing that the struggle made us stronger, or we can sink underneath the pressure and view it from the bottom.
This is my aunt. I found out yesterday that she had passed after being diagnosed with stage 4 terminal brain cancer a month ago. The doctors had given her six months to live. I can't even begin to describe how much it hurts to know that I'll never be able to see her again. I'll never be able to pick up the phone and call her to tell her about everything that's going on in my life and get to hear her say that God has a purpose in everything, and Jesus loves me so much that nothing I have done or will ever do will be enough to make Him not love me.
She was amazing. Tall. Gorgeous. Loud. Vivacious. Elaine was someone you could pick out in a crowd, whether it was her laugh or her presence. There was always something about her, something so magnetic, you could literally feel yourself being drawn to her. But more than anything, it kills me to think that I can never have what she has. Peace. Forgiveness. Love.
Love, more than anything else. At least, love from someone you can touch physically. She'd probably give me a hug if she was reading this and tell me, "Honey, Jesus loves you so much more than anyone on earth ever could." And I know she'd be right. But it still doesn't hurt this wound in my heart. I've spent so long trying to convince myself that I can do without emotional love. That it's easier to go without than have to deal with the heartbreak that will most surely follow. And I've been able to live without it, because of my family and my daughter and my friends.
But it still hurts. And the pain gets more acute every single day. And then one morning I wake up, look at my daughter, and it hits me like a ton of bricks that I can't live without love. Without that man in my life to complete it. What could really kill me is that in all of my possibilities, there are only two faces I see. One of them, I promised I would never let close enough to hurt me again. And the other is so far beyond my reach that he might as well be in another galaxy. Both were my best friend at one point or another, but time and distance and other qualifying matters make it obvious that they will never happen.
So it's another beautiful mess. Yes it is. It's like picking up trash in dresses.
"There's no shame in being crazy
Depending on how you take this
Words, they're paraphrasing this relationship we're staging."
This is my aunt. I found out yesterday that she had passed after being diagnosed with stage 4 terminal brain cancer a month ago. The doctors had given her six months to live. I can't even begin to describe how much it hurts to know that I'll never be able to see her again. I'll never be able to pick up the phone and call her to tell her about everything that's going on in my life and get to hear her say that God has a purpose in everything, and Jesus loves me so much that nothing I have done or will ever do will be enough to make Him not love me.
She was amazing. Tall. Gorgeous. Loud. Vivacious. Elaine was someone you could pick out in a crowd, whether it was her laugh or her presence. There was always something about her, something so magnetic, you could literally feel yourself being drawn to her. But more than anything, it kills me to think that I can never have what she has. Peace. Forgiveness. Love.
Love, more than anything else. At least, love from someone you can touch physically. She'd probably give me a hug if she was reading this and tell me, "Honey, Jesus loves you so much more than anyone on earth ever could." And I know she'd be right. But it still doesn't hurt this wound in my heart. I've spent so long trying to convince myself that I can do without emotional love. That it's easier to go without than have to deal with the heartbreak that will most surely follow. And I've been able to live without it, because of my family and my daughter and my friends.
But it still hurts. And the pain gets more acute every single day. And then one morning I wake up, look at my daughter, and it hits me like a ton of bricks that I can't live without love. Without that man in my life to complete it. What could really kill me is that in all of my possibilities, there are only two faces I see. One of them, I promised I would never let close enough to hurt me again. And the other is so far beyond my reach that he might as well be in another galaxy. Both were my best friend at one point or another, but time and distance and other qualifying matters make it obvious that they will never happen.
So it's another beautiful mess. Yes it is. It's like picking up trash in dresses.
"There's no shame in being crazy
Depending on how you take this
Words, they're paraphrasing this relationship we're staging."
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