As Pure As Driven Snow

"You can't undo anything you've already done, but you can face up to it. You can tell the truth. You can seek forgiveness. And then let God do the rest."

-Unknown

It was August 1, 2009. This was two days before the pregnancy test confirmed I was pregnant. I was at a family reunion in Mission, British Columbia. One of my cousins was getting married, and at the wedding reception my best friend Jessica and I went for a walk. Jessica is my cousin, has been a Christian since she was seven years old, and is one of the greatest women I will ever know. During that walk, we talked, caught up on what had been going on in our lives. I told her that I thought I was pregnant, and started crying. She immediately stopped walking and started praying for me, for my baby's father, and for the unborn child I was carrying. Immediately. Jessica was the first person I told about my pregnancy. 

The next day was Sunday. I went to church with a large group of my cousins. The church was a new one, geared mostly towards young adults, and they gathered at a movie theater. When I walked into the theater, it was pitch black. The pastor was talking about how for most of our life, we live in darkness, hiding from God. He talked about how we choose to live in darkness because of the shame we feel when we bring our imperfections to a perfect God, even though it would be easier to bring everything into the light. The words touched me from the very beginning, and even when I walked into that dark theater, I knew something big was about to happen.

Near the end, glowsticks were passed around until everyone in the auditorium had I one. I was shaking. My cousin Anna was sitting on my right. I could feel God's presence all around me, and the words the pastor spoke hit home like nothing has before or since.

"I know it's already dark in here, but if I could ask you to close your eyes for a minute. Now, we all have something that we don't want to let go of, something we don't think we can trust God with. I know I do. And that is keeping at least a part of my relationship with my Savior in the dark. So, right now, I'm choosing to bring those things to the light. I'm going to trust God with these things." There was a sound of a glow stick being broken. "I want to encourage all of you to do the same. And when you choose to, go ahead and break your glowstick. You don't have to do it today, or even tomorrow, but whenever you do, just give whatever you're holding onto to your Savior. Go ahead. Break the glowstick."

The entire sermon, I was thinking about my baby. The one that I kept denying was there. But after he said those words, I started shaking. I was scared out of my mind. I wanted to break my glowstick, to have everything in the light with my Savior. But I was so scared that I would be let go, dropped, simply because I wasn't good enough for the perfect Savior. I kept trying to tell myself that I shouldn't be thinking about a baby, because I wasn't even 100% sure I was pregnant. Then, in the back of my head, I heard a small voice. "Let it go, Evelyn. Give me your child. I will work my wonders throughout the world with your beautiful creation." Those words broke me down. There was no denying that I was pregnant after that, and it almost killed me inside to accept it. I started crying. 

My cousin Anna asked me if I wanted to step outside. When we left the auditorium, I started crying. She hugged me, comforting, and immediately started praying in tongues. She rebuked whatever demons had a hold on me, my thoughts, my spirit, my soul. Someone else joined us, laid hands, and started speaking in tongues. I felt God tugging at me, and I panicked because I was still holding onto this secret. I felt Him telling me to let go, to surrender to His will. I told Anna I was pregnant. 

And I started bawling my eyes out. I felt like I was the filthiest of living creatures. I felt like a hypocrite, and I was so afraid of what my family would think of me, how they would react because I was unwed, nineteen, and pregnant. I felt so completely unworthy of forgiveness, of grace, of anything. I wasn't sure how Anna would react to the truth that had come. She hugged me tighter than I'd ever been hugged before, told me she loved me, and started praying. That's it. There was no judgement, no condemnation, just pure unconditional love.

My family has stood by me throughout this entire ordeal, praying for me, counselling me, encouraging me, just listening when I needed them to. They've felt my daughter kick while I was still pregnant, rejoiced with me at her birth, loved on her at family gatherings, and have grieved with me at the circumstances that have arisen. They've seen the beauty in the tragedy, and have shown it to me when I've been to narrow minded that I couldn't see past my own pain. It's because of my family that I am where I am today, instead of selling myself short and trying to convince myself that I don't deserve any better.