A Divided Heart
You know those people that come into your life, and no matter how much you wish, they're always there in the back of your mind? For good or bad, these people will always have made an impact on your life. I've had a few like that. A few, and I'm so thankful I have them. They've made me who I am today, whether it was by proving them wrong or striving to achieve the goals that they helped me set for myself. But there's always been one person that would come to mind faster than any others. Now, there are two, other than my daughter.
These people aren't just friends. No, these two people mean so much more than that, so much more to me than I ever thought was possible. Jesse and Justin. I've known both of them for years, one longer than the other. And I love both of them. I know, you're going to shake your head and say "It's not possible to love two people at once." Well, I disagree. I don't love either of them the same way, so it's not really a competition to see who I love more.
I've known Justin since I was fifteen, and have considered him one of my best friends since I was seventeen. We kinda dated, but life got crazy and we decided to just stay friends. It seemed to work out for the best. For him, at least. I've loved Justin with an insanity that I only thought was possible in Hollywood movies. I've loved him for four years now, or at least that's when I realized it. A year and a half ago, he came up to Spokane for Bloomsday. If there was any way that I could go back to that time and do it over, I would. I wouldn't make myself so vulnerable, I would have taken everything he said with a grain of salt instead of trying to imagine it's all sugar-coated. I messed up, big time, and I got my heart broken by my best friend. So, we didn't talk for a few months. Not like we used to talk, anyways. It was cordial. Cold. It wasn't the way I wanted to talk to my best friend. Three months after Bloomsday, he tells me he's joined the Marines. I told him I was pregnant. We didn't talk for over a year after that. A week ago, I get a text from him out of the blue. We're talking again.
I met Jesse three days after moving to Spokane. To date, he has been my longest relationship and I honestly hope that it'll be the last one I have. We have a beautiful daughter together, and I love watching her grow up with her Daddy there every day. Yes, we've had our ups and downs, but Jesse is the only guy that I'll get severely annoyed with, instead of furious (meaning I completely ignore them for however long I feel like). He's the one guy that I don't need to feel the butterflies for, because I know that I LOVE him, no matter what happens. He's one of the greatest guys I've ever known, and yes, he does have his flaws, but in all honesty they make him what he is. This man is my best friend, my lover, and the father to our daughter. I wouldn't trade anything for that.
Both of these guys have their own songs inside my head, and they're so opposite I have a hard time believing that I love both of them.
Justin: "Your Love Is My Drug"-Ke$ha, "Hot Air Balloon" -Owl City
People always tell you to not do drugs. They're bad for you. Obviously. They mess with your head, make you sick, make you paranoid, and do other things that are NOT cool. But they make you feels so good when you're in the moment. There's a feeling that things can last forever, and you won't have to worry about anything else until you fall through the floor, the ground, the crust of the earth, and stay warm in the core of this planet. That's the problem. They make you believe fairy tales are real, and when you fall from the clouds you expect to land on a soft landing, instead of granite. But still, with him I can't help but feel like I can just be myself instead of biting my tongue and holding back. There are parts where I'm more open, but at the same time more closed. And yet...I'm not sure. I don't quite know how to put it anymore.
Jesse: "Sideways" -Citizen Cope
"These feelings won't go away/ They've been knocking me sideways/ They've been knocking me out lately/ Whenever you come around me." Honestly, there are no other words to describe how I feel about my Jesse. This love is something that I do believe will never leave, even if anything should happen.
These two men. Both mean so much to me, and in different ways, but I'm still not sure how to handle it. What do you do when you love two people at the same time? How do you cope with the knowledge that, no matter what, you are bound to hurt someone, even if you don't cheat? I'm not a cheater, and I never intend to become one. But how can you remain true to yourself and to the ones you love?
What kills me more than anything else is knowing that I'll hurt someone I love no matter what I do.
These people aren't just friends. No, these two people mean so much more than that, so much more to me than I ever thought was possible. Jesse and Justin. I've known both of them for years, one longer than the other. And I love both of them. I know, you're going to shake your head and say "It's not possible to love two people at once." Well, I disagree. I don't love either of them the same way, so it's not really a competition to see who I love more.
I've known Justin since I was fifteen, and have considered him one of my best friends since I was seventeen. We kinda dated, but life got crazy and we decided to just stay friends. It seemed to work out for the best. For him, at least. I've loved Justin with an insanity that I only thought was possible in Hollywood movies. I've loved him for four years now, or at least that's when I realized it. A year and a half ago, he came up to Spokane for Bloomsday. If there was any way that I could go back to that time and do it over, I would. I wouldn't make myself so vulnerable, I would have taken everything he said with a grain of salt instead of trying to imagine it's all sugar-coated. I messed up, big time, and I got my heart broken by my best friend. So, we didn't talk for a few months. Not like we used to talk, anyways. It was cordial. Cold. It wasn't the way I wanted to talk to my best friend. Three months after Bloomsday, he tells me he's joined the Marines. I told him I was pregnant. We didn't talk for over a year after that. A week ago, I get a text from him out of the blue. We're talking again.
I met Jesse three days after moving to Spokane. To date, he has been my longest relationship and I honestly hope that it'll be the last one I have. We have a beautiful daughter together, and I love watching her grow up with her Daddy there every day. Yes, we've had our ups and downs, but Jesse is the only guy that I'll get severely annoyed with, instead of furious (meaning I completely ignore them for however long I feel like). He's the one guy that I don't need to feel the butterflies for, because I know that I LOVE him, no matter what happens. He's one of the greatest guys I've ever known, and yes, he does have his flaws, but in all honesty they make him what he is. This man is my best friend, my lover, and the father to our daughter. I wouldn't trade anything for that.
Both of these guys have their own songs inside my head, and they're so opposite I have a hard time believing that I love both of them.
Justin: "Your Love Is My Drug"-Ke$ha, "Hot Air Balloon" -Owl City
People always tell you to not do drugs. They're bad for you. Obviously. They mess with your head, make you sick, make you paranoid, and do other things that are NOT cool. But they make you feels so good when you're in the moment. There's a feeling that things can last forever, and you won't have to worry about anything else until you fall through the floor, the ground, the crust of the earth, and stay warm in the core of this planet. That's the problem. They make you believe fairy tales are real, and when you fall from the clouds you expect to land on a soft landing, instead of granite. But still, with him I can't help but feel like I can just be myself instead of biting my tongue and holding back. There are parts where I'm more open, but at the same time more closed. And yet...I'm not sure. I don't quite know how to put it anymore.
Jesse: "Sideways" -Citizen Cope
"These feelings won't go away/ They've been knocking me sideways/ They've been knocking me out lately/ Whenever you come around me." Honestly, there are no other words to describe how I feel about my Jesse. This love is something that I do believe will never leave, even if anything should happen.
These two men. Both mean so much to me, and in different ways, but I'm still not sure how to handle it. What do you do when you love two people at the same time? How do you cope with the knowledge that, no matter what, you are bound to hurt someone, even if you don't cheat? I'm not a cheater, and I never intend to become one. But how can you remain true to yourself and to the ones you love?
What kills me more than anything else is knowing that I'll hurt someone I love no matter what I do.
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