Fatal Flaw
Let me ask you something. Have you ever looked in the mirror and honestly tried to confront your own flaws? I've tried, and finally come to this conclusion: believing people to be better than past history shows is my deadly, fatal flaw.
I have a best friend. If you read this, you'll know who he is. My past experiences tell me that his words can't be trusted, but I believe him when he says that was then. He says he's changed, and he'd never hurt me like that ever again, no matter what happens with us. My heart whispers that they're telling the truth; my head is SCREAMING that I can't and shouldn't trust him. And me, being the idiotic romantic that I am, listen to the whisper instead of the emphatic screams. Maybe it's because I've been listening to the whispers for most of my life.
My whole life I've never felt as beautiful as I apparently am So I cheer for the underdog, for the three that lands a ten, for the person that's been an outcast by society. I always want to believe the best about a person, never the worst. Especially when it comes to my friends. That's just another barb to the spear of my fatal flaw.
So here I am, believing all of the bullshit that's coming out of Justin's mouth, ignoring the screaming voice that keeps yelling: "He hasn't changed, so why the FUCK are you eating this up?!?" And honestly, I don't know why. And it doesn't have everything to do with the fact that this guy is one of my best friends, but more with the fact that hebroke SHATTERED my heart. Now, I want him to eat his words. I want him to realize that he lost one of the best thing that ever happened to him.
Because yes, life isn't clean and pretty. Life is dirty, and frustrating, and I'm sorry that I have a family to think about. I'm sorry, Justin, that you won't get a second chance with me. But you fucked up. Big time. You shattered my heart into a million pieces, and it wasn't because I loved you. It was because you were my best friend, and had a better grip on my heart than anyone before. And after Bloomsday, you treated me like a bad mistake. Yeah, I guess you could say it was a bad mistake. But you didn't need to treat me the way you did.
And you don't have to stop talking to me just because you won't get that second chance. I can understand that you don't want to, after what I said to you. But you're my best friend. We've been through a lot, and you've helped me through so much more than you realize. I want to hold onto that hope that I will see you after next February. I don't want our last conversation to be about how I already made my choice.
There is a very large part of me that is afraid I won't see you after you've been deployed. A very large part. I'm scared of just leaving this like this. I'm afraid of not saying all that I mean, and never being able to say it again. I don't want to leave it at that. I don't, and I'm sorry if what's happened in the last few days has affected how you feel about me.
I guess it's just another facet of my fatal flaw.
But please know this, Justin: if you ever need a friend, I'll always be willing to listen. If you ever want to talk to me again, I'll be here. I just hope you'll forgive me for everything.
I have a best friend. If you read this, you'll know who he is. My past experiences tell me that his words can't be trusted, but I believe him when he says that was then. He says he's changed, and he'd never hurt me like that ever again, no matter what happens with us. My heart whispers that they're telling the truth; my head is SCREAMING that I can't and shouldn't trust him. And me, being the idiotic romantic that I am, listen to the whisper instead of the emphatic screams. Maybe it's because I've been listening to the whispers for most of my life.
My whole life I've never felt as beautiful as I apparently am So I cheer for the underdog, for the three that lands a ten, for the person that's been an outcast by society. I always want to believe the best about a person, never the worst. Especially when it comes to my friends. That's just another barb to the spear of my fatal flaw.
So here I am, believing all of the bullshit that's coming out of Justin's mouth, ignoring the screaming voice that keeps yelling: "He hasn't changed, so why the FUCK are you eating this up?!?" And honestly, I don't know why. And it doesn't have everything to do with the fact that this guy is one of my best friends, but more with the fact that he
Because yes, life isn't clean and pretty. Life is dirty, and frustrating, and I'm sorry that I have a family to think about. I'm sorry, Justin, that you won't get a second chance with me. But you fucked up. Big time. You shattered my heart into a million pieces, and it wasn't because I loved you. It was because you were my best friend, and had a better grip on my heart than anyone before. And after Bloomsday, you treated me like a bad mistake. Yeah, I guess you could say it was a bad mistake. But you didn't need to treat me the way you did.
And you don't have to stop talking to me just because you won't get that second chance. I can understand that you don't want to, after what I said to you. But you're my best friend. We've been through a lot, and you've helped me through so much more than you realize. I want to hold onto that hope that I will see you after next February. I don't want our last conversation to be about how I already made my choice.
There is a very large part of me that is afraid I won't see you after you've been deployed. A very large part. I'm scared of just leaving this like this. I'm afraid of not saying all that I mean, and never being able to say it again. I don't want to leave it at that. I don't, and I'm sorry if what's happened in the last few days has affected how you feel about me.
I guess it's just another facet of my fatal flaw.
But please know this, Justin: if you ever need a friend, I'll always be willing to listen. If you ever want to talk to me again, I'll be here. I just hope you'll forgive me for everything.
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