Week One: Everything Is Not Okay....Yet.
First week is over. Literally. I moved to Spokane last Saturday, and here it is Sunday. Work has been crazy, and life in this teeny tiny little apartment has been interesting, to say the least. Most of my belongings are still in boxes, and a lot of Natalie's stuff is still here. Morgan has fallen in love with Trouser, our resident ball python (for now) and I keep having her run up to me in the morning asking to hold him.
It's been tough, I'll admit. Having to keep reminding Morgan that this is our home now, in Spokane, and we're not going back to see Grandmama, or Ojisan, or Laska, or Auntie Kathy, or Uncle Bruce, or Jenny and the kittens. The hardest part has definitely been getting her to sleep each night. It's been a battle in and of itself, and no matter how often I pray for a peaceful night, or how many songs I sing her, or how many books I read her, or any of the regular tricks I use to get her to settle, she still won't go to sleep until almost ten each night. I'm trying to break her of the habit of sleeping with me each night, but it's been really difficult.
And then there's my own acceptance. I don't have anyone to rely on anymore. No family that can take Morgan for a few minutes so I can shower (but luckily that isn't too difficult to take care of, since you have to go through my bedroom to get to the bathroom. I just block off the bedroom door and leave the bathroom door open) or Auntie Kathy to help Morgan settle for the night. I've struggled with finances as I've had to pay for food out of pocket since I'm still waiting on my EBT card, which should come by the end of this week, and I have to patiently wait on my child support just so that I can cover the rest of my rent for June. Work was difficult the first two days, but I'm getting out of my funk and getting to know people there, so it's been a lot more enjoyable, even if I still miss my Colville Walmart weirdos.
But I am so very blessed by my Spokane family. Derek has been picking me up from work every night, and while I was in a VERY bitchy mood from Tuesday until Thursday, he stuck with me and spoiled the hell out of my by making dinner every night. Jennifer has been a HUGE blessing with Morgan, watching her during the week while I was at work, and Morgan has definitely become attached to her and little Gabe. And Natalie. My dear, darling, hard-to-get-ahold-of best friend. I've only been able to see her a couple times, nowhere near as much as I would like to, but every time I see her it makes it a little easier to remember just why I wanted to be back in this city.
And this is only the beginning. It's tough, and hard, and I know I should have been smarter with my finances while I was still in that safety net in Northport, but this is what I wanted. I wanted the struggle, the growth, and the hardship. I want to be able to look back on this time in my life and say, "You know what? I was stupid, it was difficult, but I didn't rely on anyone, I succeeded. I finished my AA degree with my head held high, only one financial aid appeal under my belt, and a healthy relationship with my daughter. I worked my ass off to keep a roof over our head, food in our stomachs, and paid my tuition while I was at it. It wasn't easy, no, but it was worth the experience."
THAT is the day I will remember when I'm talking to Morgan after she's out on her own, and she's struggling, and she's about ready to burst into tears because she didn't realize how difficult it was going to be, and drawing on these memories I will honestly tell her, "Honey, it's never as hard as we think it is. I've been there, I lived it, and I understand what you are going through. I survived. You will, too."
That is what I am holding out for.
I just have to remember:
It's been tough, I'll admit. Having to keep reminding Morgan that this is our home now, in Spokane, and we're not going back to see Grandmama, or Ojisan, or Laska, or Auntie Kathy, or Uncle Bruce, or Jenny and the kittens. The hardest part has definitely been getting her to sleep each night. It's been a battle in and of itself, and no matter how often I pray for a peaceful night, or how many songs I sing her, or how many books I read her, or any of the regular tricks I use to get her to settle, she still won't go to sleep until almost ten each night. I'm trying to break her of the habit of sleeping with me each night, but it's been really difficult.
And then there's my own acceptance. I don't have anyone to rely on anymore. No family that can take Morgan for a few minutes so I can shower (but luckily that isn't too difficult to take care of, since you have to go through my bedroom to get to the bathroom. I just block off the bedroom door and leave the bathroom door open) or Auntie Kathy to help Morgan settle for the night. I've struggled with finances as I've had to pay for food out of pocket since I'm still waiting on my EBT card, which should come by the end of this week, and I have to patiently wait on my child support just so that I can cover the rest of my rent for June. Work was difficult the first two days, but I'm getting out of my funk and getting to know people there, so it's been a lot more enjoyable, even if I still miss my Colville Walmart weirdos.
But I am so very blessed by my Spokane family. Derek has been picking me up from work every night, and while I was in a VERY bitchy mood from Tuesday until Thursday, he stuck with me and spoiled the hell out of my by making dinner every night. Jennifer has been a HUGE blessing with Morgan, watching her during the week while I was at work, and Morgan has definitely become attached to her and little Gabe. And Natalie. My dear, darling, hard-to-get-ahold-of best friend. I've only been able to see her a couple times, nowhere near as much as I would like to, but every time I see her it makes it a little easier to remember just why I wanted to be back in this city.
And this is only the beginning. It's tough, and hard, and I know I should have been smarter with my finances while I was still in that safety net in Northport, but this is what I wanted. I wanted the struggle, the growth, and the hardship. I want to be able to look back on this time in my life and say, "You know what? I was stupid, it was difficult, but I didn't rely on anyone, I succeeded. I finished my AA degree with my head held high, only one financial aid appeal under my belt, and a healthy relationship with my daughter. I worked my ass off to keep a roof over our head, food in our stomachs, and paid my tuition while I was at it. It wasn't easy, no, but it was worth the experience."
THAT is the day I will remember when I'm talking to Morgan after she's out on her own, and she's struggling, and she's about ready to burst into tears because she didn't realize how difficult it was going to be, and drawing on these memories I will honestly tell her, "Honey, it's never as hard as we think it is. I've been there, I lived it, and I understand what you are going through. I survived. You will, too."
That is what I am holding out for.
I just have to remember:
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