Expectations

I've always been afraid of letting people down. I've always been the one girl that tries to conform, to make people happy. But I've also been the girl that gives others advice about standing up for themselves, to change for THEM and no one else. I've been such a hypocrit.

Now, I have to try to keep my life together for my daughter. My little Morgana. My Morgan. And there are things I need to do, places I need to be, when all I really want is to sit and watch her play peek-a-boo with dishtowels and walk from the couch into my arms with hesitant footsteps that get more confident with every foot. I want nothing more to do with my life right now, but I feel like I've got all these expectations to fulfill.

I need to take care of my daughter. Combing out her hair looking for nits, having to comfort her when she screams because the comb hurts her hair, having to fight her when I'm changing her diaper. Playing with her, encouraging her to take more steps, giving her a nurturing environment.

Then there are expectations for ME. My body, my spiritual life, how I'm living my life. I need to look better, I need to tighten up everything, I can't just chop all my hair off because I want to; and what would the judge think if he saw me like that? I need to read my Bible, I need to seek God in everything that I do, I need to stop focusing on anything that isn't helping me. I shouldn't be spending one-on-one time with any guys, I need to watch what I say around my little sister, I need to watch everything that I even INSINUATE.

I don't know...

I understand where these expectations come from, and I know that they aren't that much to ask for. But there are so many times that I just want to be able to curl up on my bed with a book and have some ME time. Or even some time with my daughter, I wouldn't mind as long as I get some rest.

Yeah, rest. I'm writing about rest at two in the morning. That really makes me laugh.