Tears
Last night, I think I was finally able to get through to my little sister. And *surprise surprise* it wasn't about stuff that I take seriously anymore. It was about her high school boy troubles, and her first boyfriend. But when I started telling her about what I'd gone through with Jesse and Justin, and everything that I went through with Jesse and everything that I'd be willing to go through for Justin, I couldn't help it.
The tears made me think of the ocean, of the rain, of so many different things that are associated with both of them. But the more I thought about the water falling down my face, the less Jesse seemed to matter. I've already been through just as much shit with him as I have with Justin, but the difference is that Justin has been there twice as long as Jesse was.
Tears aren't something we can help. It's been so long since I even felt like I did last night, since I even felt a remote inkling of emotion that wasn't fear or anger towards a man. I've been confused, happy, sad, even just numb, but it's been a while since I ever felt regret.
There are things I regret, believe it or not. I regret not working it out with Jesse, and that we had to get to this point. I wish we could've just been friends that had a kid together, more than anything else. I regret hurting Jay, and now he'll always be wondering or worried. I regret not being able to completely convey just how much he means to me, and I regret not telling him that every day I go through life without him is harder than the last. I regret so many different things in my life.
And the tears for those regrets rarely fall. So when they do, it's not just for what I'm messing up with or what I wish I could've done differently...It's for the hearts that I've broken along the way to finally realizing just how much I fucked up.
The tears made me think of the ocean, of the rain, of so many different things that are associated with both of them. But the more I thought about the water falling down my face, the less Jesse seemed to matter. I've already been through just as much shit with him as I have with Justin, but the difference is that Justin has been there twice as long as Jesse was.
Tears aren't something we can help. It's been so long since I even felt like I did last night, since I even felt a remote inkling of emotion that wasn't fear or anger towards a man. I've been confused, happy, sad, even just numb, but it's been a while since I ever felt regret.
There are things I regret, believe it or not. I regret not working it out with Jesse, and that we had to get to this point. I wish we could've just been friends that had a kid together, more than anything else. I regret hurting Jay, and now he'll always be wondering or worried. I regret not being able to completely convey just how much he means to me, and I regret not telling him that every day I go through life without him is harder than the last. I regret so many different things in my life.
And the tears for those regrets rarely fall. So when they do, it's not just for what I'm messing up with or what I wish I could've done differently...It's for the hearts that I've broken along the way to finally realizing just how much I fucked up.
Comments
Post a Comment