First Love
"Thnx love"
That's all it took. After everything that I've tried to do, to make sure that I can get my head on straight so I don't fuck up my life (AGAIN) and so I can give Morgan a better life, it only took two words to slit open that wound again. And it's not like it was even those two words. It was the nickname.
"Love."
Jay used to call me that all the time, making me smile. He'd be leaning in close, staring into my eyes, my heart racing with anticipation. And there it would be. "Hey, love." He'd smile, then kiss me. Back then, that nickname was a promise, a hope. Now whenever I hear it, am called it, or even see those text messages, it's a dirty word that has been soiled because of the heartbreak that accompanies Jay.
And it hurts. More than anything else, it rips my heart apart. To hear his name, to even think it, makes my throat close up and I can feel the tears start to form. I've fallen asleep the last two nights thinking about him, wanting to forget everything about him because it hurts to much to remember, to think about what might have been. His arms, his smile, how he would lightly kiss my cheek. His hand over mine, guiding me through crowds of people. Grabbing my hand in public and squeezing it, as if he was saying that he would never let me go.
Maybe I just read too much into those little things. Maybe I wasn't that important to him after all. Maybe I'll only ever be just his best friend, never his other. The funny thing is that I had accepted that. I had even sent him a letter saying that I didn't want him to let me hold him back, that I wanted him to go out there and meet other women. But last night I was talking to my friend Joe and I told him about Jay.
And all those emotions came flooding back. A dam had been opened, just talking about Jay. No matter how hard I try to forget him and how he made me feel, there will always be a part of my heart that loves him, always a part that would do anything for him. Four years later, and he's still the only one that I love.
No matter how I try to move on, try to look for distractions, he's still the voice inside my head, and it's still breaking my heart because of everything that's going on. It's my life, his life, geography, expectations, EVERYTHING. And when I try to make it easier on both of us, I really to wonder if he understands why I'm actually doing it, or if he thinks that I'm only doing it for me?
That's what hurts the most. But it'll always be there, no matter what I do.
"Don't waste your time on me
You're already the voice inside my head.
(I miss you, miss you)"
That's all it took. After everything that I've tried to do, to make sure that I can get my head on straight so I don't fuck up my life (AGAIN) and so I can give Morgan a better life, it only took two words to slit open that wound again. And it's not like it was even those two words. It was the nickname.
"Love."
Jay used to call me that all the time, making me smile. He'd be leaning in close, staring into my eyes, my heart racing with anticipation. And there it would be. "Hey, love." He'd smile, then kiss me. Back then, that nickname was a promise, a hope. Now whenever I hear it, am called it, or even see those text messages, it's a dirty word that has been soiled because of the heartbreak that accompanies Jay.
And it hurts. More than anything else, it rips my heart apart. To hear his name, to even think it, makes my throat close up and I can feel the tears start to form. I've fallen asleep the last two nights thinking about him, wanting to forget everything about him because it hurts to much to remember, to think about what might have been. His arms, his smile, how he would lightly kiss my cheek. His hand over mine, guiding me through crowds of people. Grabbing my hand in public and squeezing it, as if he was saying that he would never let me go.
Maybe I just read too much into those little things. Maybe I wasn't that important to him after all. Maybe I'll only ever be just his best friend, never his other. The funny thing is that I had accepted that. I had even sent him a letter saying that I didn't want him to let me hold him back, that I wanted him to go out there and meet other women. But last night I was talking to my friend Joe and I told him about Jay.
And all those emotions came flooding back. A dam had been opened, just talking about Jay. No matter how hard I try to forget him and how he made me feel, there will always be a part of my heart that loves him, always a part that would do anything for him. Four years later, and he's still the only one that I love.
No matter how I try to move on, try to look for distractions, he's still the voice inside my head, and it's still breaking my heart because of everything that's going on. It's my life, his life, geography, expectations, EVERYTHING. And when I try to make it easier on both of us, I really to wonder if he understands why I'm actually doing it, or if he thinks that I'm only doing it for me?
That's what hurts the most. But it'll always be there, no matter what I do.
"Don't waste your time on me
You're already the voice inside my head.
(I miss you, miss you)"
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