Crossroads
There are a few mixed emotions in me about that one word, especially right now. At one point in my life, it meant adventure, becoming my own person, looking forward to things that were to come. Another time it was literally a life or death situation, not for me but for my daughter. And now, it's about her again. It's a choice between my pride and my responsibility to my daughter. And I really need to learn to step down and realize that it's not all about what I want.
I'm seriously debating moving back to Northport, back home with my family. I feel as though I've been brought to the end of my rope, and I'm holding on by a thread. Every door that seems to be open keeps getting slammed in my face, and I'm really beginning to wonder if it's just divine intervention that keeps interfering with my own plans for my life. Everything that I kept saying was keeping me in Spokane is slowly dwindling down to almost nothing. I don't have to be in Spokane to go to school, it's just more of a distraction doing it there anyways. Jobs aren't coming through, and I need a job TOMORROW if I can stay in Spokane because I can't get TANF. And those are only the small things. I need a support system around me, not just friends that keep getting fed up with me because I'm "loud and obnoxious."
But more than anything else, I feel like God wants me back here. And try hard as I can to fight His will, things keep happening that would make it an idiotic decision to stay in Spokane. I don't want to be that girl that runs home at the first sign of trouble, but this is so much bigger than that. This is about having a stable environment for my daughter to grow up in, a safe environment that she can and will flourish in.
And whether that's down the left trail where I stay in Spokane, continue looking for work and trying to make things work because of my own pride, or down the right trail that takes me back up to Northport despite all the protests of friends in Spokane, I haven't yet decided.
But I have to, and very soon. The day keeps creeping up that I need to be out of that house, and I need to make a decision by May 27 at the very latest.
I'm so scared, so terrified. I just keep reminding myself that it's not about pride, or showing people that you're not a failure because you have to go home, but instead it's about my beautiful daughter that keeps getting older every single day. And so, I take a step back and try to come up with the best logical decision I can possibly make.
Why does growing up have to be so damn difficult?
I'm seriously debating moving back to Northport, back home with my family. I feel as though I've been brought to the end of my rope, and I'm holding on by a thread. Every door that seems to be open keeps getting slammed in my face, and I'm really beginning to wonder if it's just divine intervention that keeps interfering with my own plans for my life. Everything that I kept saying was keeping me in Spokane is slowly dwindling down to almost nothing. I don't have to be in Spokane to go to school, it's just more of a distraction doing it there anyways. Jobs aren't coming through, and I need a job TOMORROW if I can stay in Spokane because I can't get TANF. And those are only the small things. I need a support system around me, not just friends that keep getting fed up with me because I'm "loud and obnoxious."
But more than anything else, I feel like God wants me back here. And try hard as I can to fight His will, things keep happening that would make it an idiotic decision to stay in Spokane. I don't want to be that girl that runs home at the first sign of trouble, but this is so much bigger than that. This is about having a stable environment for my daughter to grow up in, a safe environment that she can and will flourish in.
And whether that's down the left trail where I stay in Spokane, continue looking for work and trying to make things work because of my own pride, or down the right trail that takes me back up to Northport despite all the protests of friends in Spokane, I haven't yet decided.
But I have to, and very soon. The day keeps creeping up that I need to be out of that house, and I need to make a decision by May 27 at the very latest.
I'm so scared, so terrified. I just keep reminding myself that it's not about pride, or showing people that you're not a failure because you have to go home, but instead it's about my beautiful daughter that keeps getting older every single day. And so, I take a step back and try to come up with the best logical decision I can possibly make.
Why does growing up have to be so damn difficult?
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